I Am the Spaceman
by Ubernatural
Summary: Dean is a terminal patient. Cas is a doctor. 'Nuff said.
1. Chapter 1

_This story _demanded_ to be written. I'm not writing it, it's writing itself._

_In this fic I'm dealing with diseases in a fictional way. This is not in any way portraying a realistic scenario. It's just fanfiction._

_Title from Amy Macdonald's 'Spark'._  
_  
Hope you enjoyyy, please review._

* * *

It was a clouded morning in autumn, one of those days that made you melancholic just from looking outside. Castiel was going to his job, like always. He'd woken up this morning with a bad headache and a heaviness in his head that almost made it impossible to carry around, and in an egoistic moment he had considered calling in sick, but he felt too much responsibility for that. He'd looked in the mirror, seeing a person that was tired inside and outside, but he just splashed some water in his face. He'd ruffled through his mess of a hair, and drank three cups of coffee against the headache. Then he'd left the apartment and drove to the hospital.

It always felt lonely to leave and come back to an empty apartment. He was 32 and still single, a bit like a male Bridget Jones, except his life wasn't full of hilarious incidents and anecdotes he could tell other people to relativize the emptiness his life really was.

Castiel liked his job most of the time. It gave him a feeling of satisfactory if he could contribute something to saving people. If they discovered a disease on time and someone had made it because of his help, nothing could make him feel better.

At some days, however, he wished he would have just gone sweeping streets or selling hotdogs, or something mindless like that. Today was one of those days. Yesterday a girl of 16 years old had died of cancer. You could just feel an atmosphere of dismay hanging around with his colleagues. They had all been quite attached to this girl, and she seemed to be doing okay lately, so this came as a shock to everybody.

"Morning doctor", his colleague Adam greeted him at the coffee machine. He was new here and still very young, and he seemed to have some kind of strange admiration for Castiel. He nodded shortly, greeting him back, then focusing on the coffee machine filling his cup.

"Morninggg", his other colleague, Gabriel added while punching him on the back. Gabriel was the big joker of the club, and usually Castiel liked that, but today while hearing his loud, cheerful voice he found himself wishing he'd stayed in bed already.

"Good morning, Gabriel", Castiel answered with a monotone voice.

"Tough day?" He leaned against the table and inspected him.

"I'm having kind of a headache", Castiel explained. "And I'm not feeling so well".

"Yeah, yeah, it's tragic", Gabriel said with a melodramatic sigh, meaning the death of the girl. "But the show must go on".

"I suppose", Castiel said, trying to give him a brave smile. It would be a bit harsh to admit that his feelings had no more to do with the death of the girl then with his own pathetic feelings.

Andy, his most loyal and helpful colleague, had come in too, rummaging at the coffee machine, overhearing their conversation.

He turned to face him and said: "Doctor, for what it's worth, I think we will all have a difficult day today. I just wanted to say that if you feel like it becomes too much, we would understand if you would go home".

Castiel nodded gratefully. "Thank you Andy, that is very considerate of you. I'll keep it in mind". But when he looked up, he saw Andy and Gabriel exchanging a meaningful glance. Andy looked down at his shoes, his cheeks burning. It was a well known fact in the hospital that Andy and Gabriel fucked occasionally. Castiel found himself feeling a sting of jealousy. Not because of Andy or Gabriel specifically, but because of what they had. Thankfully the clock pointed out it was 30 past 8, time to start working.

A bunch of new patients were brought in, he worked on some diagnoses and he went about his business as usual. Once he got busy, his mind got distracted enough not to dwell on those feelings he had been having this morning.

Around two in the afternoon, around lunchtime, he felt his headache coming up again, ten times worse this time. It was like something stung through his skull. He hurried out of the canteen, worried glances of colleagues casted at him. He went straight outside, hoping some fresh air would do him good.

He leaned against the rail of the stairs that was in front of the hospital. Slowly he felt himself become better. He looked up at the high trees and its brown leaves and all the leaves that the floor was covered with.

"No offense, but you look like you need to get laid", a voice from his right said.

Startled Castiel looked at the side. A young man was standing there. How long had he been watching him? Judging from the green eyes that were focused on him as if he was the sun he circled around, he probably had been watching the whole time he was standing here.

"Excuse me?" Castiel said, blinking in surprise. The nerve on this guy.

Despite his rudeness, he couldn't help but notice the man was rather good looking. His green eyes were bright and lively and they looked at him as if they could pierce right through his soul. He was extremely well built, he was wearing a brown corduroy jacket that blended well with the colour of the leaves, and a black cardigan with simple blue jeans beneath it. He radiated vitality. Castiel blinked again, but this time from his beauty.

"Just sayin' man, you just look like you could use it", the stranger said. "I mean, you're handsome and probably a doctor, right? I bet you can get tons of chicks". Something mischievous shone in his green eyes that he hadn't had off him for one second.

Castiel was too baffled at his brutality to form a coherent answer in his mind for a few seconds.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but my private life is none of your business", he decided to say.

"Oh, touchy subject?" the stranger said, the corner of his mouth pulling up in a provocative crooked smile. "Doctor…" his eyes wandered to the name plate on his chest. "Novak?"

"I don't usually get approached by strangers who start talking to me about my sex life", Castiel answered. "I can't even believe I'm even saying this to you. I was having a moment of piece. Go away".

To his surprise, the stranger only laughed. "What's your name?" he asked.

"You already know. I'm doctor Novak".

"I mean your first name", the stranger said, and his eyes sparkled as if he Castiel was some fun game to figure out and he found his hostile attitude very amusing.

Castiel didn't know why he was playing this childish game along, he could just have walked back inside to his colleagues, but he didn't. There was something about the stranger that made him stay.

"I don't see why I should tell you".

"Because I want to know".

Castiel looked into his eyes who were still fixed on him untiringly. "Then why do you want to know?"

The guy shrugged. "You just seemed troubled. Bored, lonely. Like me. Besides…" his glance went up and down over his body, and Castiel felt as if he was undressing him with his eyes.

He started to feel weirdly uncomfortable but flattered at the same time. Was it him or was this bizarre stranger sort of… flirting with him? That was just ridiculous. He had only met the guy for half a minute.

"I'm not gay", he said, even if he knew this wasn't entirely true. To be honest, for some bizarre reason he found the stranger to be quite arousing.

The stranger just grinned his mischievous grin. "Yeah, right", he snorted. "I'm not buying it pall. You want me to believe that, I'm gonna need hard proof. My gaydar never fails".

Castiel felt his cheeks flush. This was going into an even weirder direction then how the conversation had started. He needed to change the subject now before this was getting embarrassing.

He cleared his throat before asking: "What are you doing here?"

For the first time he diverted his eyes and looked over at the parking lot and the trees, too.

"I'm here for a little test", he said. "I've been having some weird symptoms lately. Been having some trouble with breathing. Night sweating. Coughing. Almost choked in my sleep last night. To be honest it's kind of freaking me out. So I figured I'd go see a doctor". He looked back at Cas, the sheepish grin back on his face. "Speaking of seeing doctors. When do you get off?"

Castiel stared at him. "Do you have no shame?"

The young man grinned widely. "I like to look at it as hedonism, but shameless pretty much covers it too".

"You're unbelievable".

The other man shrugged again. "It's a gift".

They stood there for a while, silently staring at the parking lot and the trees next to each other. He felt the eyes of the stranger still on him.

"I should probably get inside. I have a meeting considering a patient in five minutes. I might see you... later".

The man smiled. "That'd be nice".

Castiel looked at him for a moment and he realized that this little conversation with this man had cheered up his entire day. And he felt bad about walking away and not knowing if he'd see him again. But he just nodded and mumbled: "Right. I'm on my way, then".

"Sure".

"Very well".

He turned around and went on his way to the door, when he heard the voice behind him saying: "Hey, wait".

He turned around to face him and the stranger reached out his hand. "Dean Winchester", he introduced himself. Castiel led his own hand slide in the firm grip of the other man's hand. They shook a solid handshake.

"I'm Castiel".

Dean looked at him with that curious glance again. "That's an interesting name". He kept shaking his hand.

"You can let go of my hand now".

"O, right".

"It was bizarre meeting you, Dean".

Dean bowed his head mockingly. "It was my pleasure". Then suddenly serious: "Guess I'll see you around".

"For your sake, let's hope not".

When he walked through the door, Dean called after him: "Nice meeting you, Castiel Novak".

* * *

_That was the first one! Please keep following!_


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel didn't see Dean for the next couple of days, but he kept wandering around in his mind. The green piercing eyes, the confident smirk, that sharp tongue. The fact that he didn't seem to have any kind of embarrassment, not of seeming rude or openly flirting with a man, and an older doctor at that.

Dean was pretty much everything Castiel wasn't and couldn't be. Exciting, overwhelming. _Sexy_. He didn't ever think he would use that word for someone, usually he despised it. It sounded too teeny and cheap, for Castiel's taste. But Dean was someone who could be rightfully called sexy. The word could have been invented for him.

He found himself daydreaming about him, which he told himself was just utterly ridiculous. It wasn't in any romantic-daydreaming way, he just imagined the second time they'd see each other and what he would say. Still pathetic though. They had only talked for about ten minutes. What was he thinking?

When he had some time off he'd done some research, and found out the test Dean had come for was a test for tuberculosis. It startled him that such a young man could already be involved with such a disease. It was mostly treatable these days, of course, but it could still be dangerous, if not given proper treatment.

He only returned four days later for the result of his test. As he walked into the hallway with firm, solid steps, Castiel noticed he had x-legs. This didn't take away from his appeal, in fact, it added even more charm to him.

A giant smile spread across his face as soon as he spotted Castiel, who felt his heart skipping at the sight of him.

"What's up, doc", Dean grinning at his own reference.

"Hello Dean", Castiel said. "How are you doing?"

The green eyes that gave him their undivided attention were there again, and he felt himself getting warm under their stare.

"Peachy", Dean said, followed by a cough. "You?" He started walking towards the waiting room, and Castiel walked with him.

"I'm fine", he answered.

Dean cast him a sideways glance, studying his face. "That doesn't sound very cheerful".

"Yeah, well, life in a hospital can be quite exhausting".

Dean coughed again.

"You have a really bad cough there".

"Yeah, tell me about it. It's getting worse every day". He coughed again.

"That's a bad sign, Dean", Castiel said, feeling genuine concern for this man he barely knew.

"Gee you think, Captain Obvious?" Dean responded, in a slightly edgy tone.

Castiel didn't respond to that.

"So, are you gonna do some _tests _on me today?" He said 'tests' it in a low, sexy voice, as if doing tests was the most erotical thing there was imaginable.

Castiel felt his cheeks burning. He wondered if this guy just flirted with everything that was human and had a pulse, or he really liked Castiel, but he didn't dare to ask.

"No, but I'll be seeing you if the test turns out to be positive and we'll need to do a blood test", he just said.

"Can't wait", Dean said, standing still the waiting room but not taking place on a seat. He just stood there, shamelessly staring at Castiel.

"Hey doc…"

"Please, call me Castiel", Castiel said. He already felt way too old across the vibrant young man.

"All right, Castiel. Cas, can I call you Cas?"

Castiel's eyebrows shot straight up at hearing that nickname. Dean ignored it.

"So, Cas. After you're done working, you wanna go grab some coffee or something?" He studied his face in anticipation.

He hadn't been mistaken, Dean really was interested in him. And this made his heart pump way more excitedly then it really should. How could someone like Dean ever be attracted to him, the boring Castiel?

It amazed him how Dean kept persisting even though he had said he wasn't gay, which was a lie. In reality he was still struggling with his attraction to men.

"Well I… " he started, but at that moment a nurse opened the door and said: "Dean Winchester?"

"Yeah, that'd be me", Dean said, holding up his hand, trying to hold back another cough. But before going, he quickly shoved a piece of paper in Castiel's hand.

While walking with the nurse he turned around and mouthed: "Call me".

Castiel unfolded the piece of paper and like he'd been expecting, he stared at a hastily penned down phone number in sloppy handwriting. This really shouldn't make him excited, but it so did.

….

The health specialist looking at the spot on Dean's arm was a woman. She had black hair until her waist and was quite pretty, but she didn't catch his eye the way Castiel did.

He didn't know what it was about the doctor that had caught his attention, but from the moment he'd seen him standing there leaning against the railing, looking as if he was lost in deep, significant thoughts, he'd known that he wanted to get to know this guy better. He looked at least in his thirties, and he had a beautiful ripeness about him that Dean thought was interesting. Probably because he was still so immature himself, on the age of twenty-five.

Dean led the ultimate happy-go-lucky-life. He had never been in a relationship for more than three months, he slept around with tons of women, and occasionally, also men. He'd stopped trying to label his sexuality since puberty. Here's the thing: Dean liked sex. And he didn't care about if the one he did it with was soft and curvy or hard and muscled, he really liked it both ways. So why stick with only one? He looked at himself as a sexual person, not as a heterosexual or homosexual person, and really he did not understand why people always made such a big deal out of that stuff.

Like with relationships, he didn't last long with jobs either. He'd been in a band, the Rocket Baby Dolls, and he had lived the sex, drugs and rock 'n roll cliché to the fullest.  
They made one pretty well selling album back a few years ago. Then there'd been a fight on their first tour, because they had to drag a wasted Dean out of a bar while they had to perform. It would also be their last tour. He still lived on the money it had brought in, and he made a lot of trips.

It had been a few months ago after his trip to India that he had started getting these weird symptoms. He would wake up soaked with sweat in the middle of the night, he got an annoying cough he couldn't seem to get rid of, and breathing was a pain the ass. It was like someone was squeezing his lungs tight.

He'd ignored these signs for a good while, thinking they'd probably go away out of themselves. Only when he'd almost literally choked, he decided he should probably go see a doctor.

The spot on his arm where he'd been given the injection was all red and swollen, and the health specialist studied it and measured it with all kinds of instruments Dean had never seen.

"Dean, I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like you have tuberculosis", she said, carefully inspecting the injure at his arm.

"O, that's just great", Dean muttered. "There's a cure, right?"

"Yes, in most cases it's treatable, it's only deadly if it didn't get the right treatment. So you probably shouldn't worry."

"Well, that's a relief". He stared at her while she bended over to get some salve from the drawer.

"Now we're going to take an x-ray of you for absolute certainty and to see what part of you is infected".

"Is ah, _Dr Novak _gonna be there?" He just had to ask.

She smiled. "You like him?"

"Kinda".

"Well, you're not the only one", she sighed, while smearing the salve on the injured spot. It immediately felt like a relief.

"He's very handsome, but unfortunately, he's like a monk. All the women in this hospital have tried to flirt with him, but none of them succeeded".

_Yeah, because he's gay,_Dean thought, but he didn't say it out loud.

"So will he be there?"

She _giggled_, in that weird way girls do sometimes when they're in an excited mood.

"No, I'm sorry. Now, it's time for your x-ray, come on".

They put him in under the x-ray machine and he was told not to move. Dean didn't trust all these machines and electronics for one bit, but he kept a straight face and did what he was told.

_Come on Dean, don't be a friggin' baby_, he told himself. _These people are trying to help you._

While they developed it Dean waited in the waiting room, sitting slumped in his seat.

The x-ray didn't lie about it. When it was developed, the doctor stared at it in horror. "O, God".

"Get Dr Novak", he told his assistant. "We need his advice on this".

The assistant did as he was told and knocked on Dr Novak's door.

"Doctor? I'm sorry to disturb you, but there is something with the x-ray we took of a tuberculosis patient. It's.. worse than we thought. They want you to come and have a look".

Castiel's heart fluttered worriedly in his chest as he followed the assistant through the hallway. _Not him_, he kept thinking for some reason he couldn't explain. Just, out of all people, don't let it be him.

But he didn't ask.

* * *

_Please give me a word or two to let me know what you think of it, thank you. :)_

_NOTE:_

_I thought I' d just make clear, since someone who asked why I stopped: I most definitely didn't stop. I just have been on vacation for two weeks, and I didn't have the opportunity to write during that time, even though I really wanted to. I'm coming home tomorrow and I will continue as soon as possible. _

_So don't give up on it!_

_Thank youu._


	3. Chapter 3

_So I've been away for a while, but I'm back!_

_As we say in Dutch: nummero 3!_

* * *

"It has spread to his kidney and his spine, and his lungs are halfway filled up with fluid. He's going to need an oxygen tank". Dr Garrison pointed out the white spots on the x-ray that indicated where the disease had spread. Dean's body looked like one of these abstract paintings with random spots splashed all over the place. It was an unsettling sight.

Castiel cursed at Dean inarticulately, with his jaws clenched. The stupid fool.

"I've never seen anything like it", Dr Garrison said, shaking his head, looking at the x-ray hanging before them on the wall. Three doctors among which Castiel stood gathered in the small room. "Just when you thought you've seen it all".

"So the guy has Cavitary Tuberculosis?" the other doctor, Dr Frank asked. "Jesus. On his age?"

"Sadly, yes".

"Perhaps he's HIV-infected", Dr Frank suggested. "We'll have to test him".

"Right", nodded Dr Garrison.

"What conclusion do you draw from this?" Dr Frank asked with an earnest face.

"Well, this type of tuberculosis requires antibiotics for 6 to 12 months. But it has gone untreated for so long that it's come to a stage that it's too late for that."

"So there's nothing we can do for him anymore?" The compassion sounded in his voice.

"There's not much we can do but postponing the moment his lungs will stop functioning. But we can't stop it from happening".

"So you're saying we can't cure him anymore", Castiel said quietly, avoiding their gazes. He'd been silently overhearing the conversation, leaning against the table, his hands resting on it at his sides.

"I'm afraid so".

"In other words, he's dying".

"I'm sorry".

He didn't know exactly why the other man was apologizing. Maybe he could sense that Dean wasn't just any patient to Castiel.

It was true, it hit Castiel much harder than it should be. Dean was practically a stranger to him. Not even practically, _was _a stranger to him. But the idea that the young man was dying just touched a weak spot. It was hard to imagine his vital and strong body to be a dying one, the sparkle in his bright green eyes to be extinguishing.

"We will do everything in our power to stretch his life as long as we can", he said.

Dr Garrison nodded. "Of course we will, Dr Novak".

"And by that I mean every _week_ counts. Every _day_". Castiel looked at his colleagues earnestly. "Do you understand?" His gaze went from one man to another, and they both nodded animatedly.

He didn't know why the life of the man mattered so much to him, but it felt like it was his personal business somehow. As if he was responsible for him.

"We understand, Dr Novak", Dr Garrison said. There was a hint of curiousity in his voice, but he didn't ask further.

"All right now", Castiel said. "It's time to tell him". He gestured for them to leave the room.

He couldn't tell do it himself. He watched Dr Garrison walk out the door.

...

What do you do the moment you hear your life expectations are not much longer then approximately a year? Is there an unwritten rule of how one should react? Are you supposed to scream? Are you supposed to drop on the ground, tearing your hair out, crying out 'why?' Are you supposed to pray?

This was Dean Winchester's mumbling reaction. "Well I'll be damned".

And then he just fell silent, reducing the explanation of the doctor to background noise in his head. He stared in front of him and didn't speak for a while, contemplating what he had just heard. _So this is where the road ends, Deanie, _he thought.

No getting children, walking behind a stroller and a pregnant wife, growing old and gray, and idyllic visions of sitting on some porch while the grandchildren are running barefooted through the garden. All that was taken from him in a second. His whole future was being crammed into a short, uncertain amount of time. They weren't even sure how long they could stretch out his life.

In turbo speed his mind went through his whole life, thinking about everything he had achieved in it, or rather, not achieved. Would he have been spending his time in bars, screwing chicks and occasionally dudes, doing essentially nothing, if he knew his life had been hanging by a thread? Would he have made that trip to India?

The honest answer to that was, yes. He didn't regret living his life as frivolous as he had been, because he really didn't see the use of trying it another way. Life was just too damn short, as it just had proved to be.

The past didn't change, so it was no use spending too much time thinking about that, but the present and the future changed all the more. It was weird how everything could change in one second. Half an hour ago, he had been after the ass of the attractive doctor, and now he was facing the short preservability of his life.

At first when they told him he had to be hooked to a portable oxygen tank twenty-four seven from now on, he had growled: "No freakin' way I'm walking around with that thing".

But as soon as they hooked the plastic tubes behind his ears and the prongs into his nose the amount of oxygen that suddenly came through his nostrils made his whole body sigh in relief. _Wow_. He hadn't known how what a hard time breathing he had had until now. He could finally breathe without constantly having to make an effort to.

"Whoa", he said.

"Better, huh?" the doctor had said.

"O, much", Dean admitted, putting on a smile, deciding he'd better play nice. "I mean I look horrible, but damn, these things are amazing".

The doctor smiled.

"By the way, do you think I could talk to Dr Novak for a sec?"

For some reason he really needed to talk to him now. His reassuring presence would do him good. Of course the doctor wouldn't refuse him.

"Of course, let me go get him for you".

Dean showed his teeth again in a smile. "Thanks, sir".

- ...

Dean was sitting straight up in bed when Castiel came in to see him. He was hooked to an oxygen tank. It just kicked him on the inside to see him like that. His eyes seemed to slightly light up when he saw him, but he was probably just imagining things.

"Howdy, Cas", he said. Castiel was surprised at his seemingly casual attitude.

"Dean". Castiel sat down next to him and folded his hands together. "How are you holding up?"

He had his eyes focused on the ground, but when he looked up, there they were again: the piercing blue eyes, overwhelming as ever. From this close, he could fully appreciate the other features of his face. His strong jaw line, the soft, almost female curve of his lips. Okay, he really shouldn't look at him this way, because when he looked at him too much he couldn't help but imagining those lips cold and hard.

"Well, I had better days", Dean said. "But I'll live". His right mouth corner pulled up in a smirk, seemingly amused by his own joke.

Castiel huffed out a nervous laugh, not sure if it was appropriate to laugh or not, but his face became serious after that soon.

"I am truly sorry", he managed to get out eventually.

"No need to be", Dean said, brushing it off.

"I mean it", Castiel kept persisting. "If there's anything I can do for you…".

"Don't sweat it, man", Dean said. "It's not your problem. I'm fine".

He gave him a hard look, to show him just how fine he was, and that told him to stop pressing the issue further. He couldn't look away and for a moment they held each other's gaze.

Castiel sighed. He knew Dean very well that wasn't fine, and he knew Dean knew it, too. But he also saw that it would be no use trying to talk about it in any way.

"All right", he said calmly. "I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything you need, I'd be happy to help you, but if you don't need me…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there Dr. House", Dean said. "_Anything_?"

Castiel realized he couldn't really come back from it now, so reluctantly and carefully, not sure what he got himself into, he said: "Yes. Anything".

That mischievous smile again . "Okay firstly, think you might be able to fix me a hamburger? 'Cause let me tell you man, this hospital food sucks so bad it's gonna kill me way before my deadline".

Even though Castiel cringed at the carelessness of the way he already joked about his situation, but he said: "Right. One hamburger. Coming up".

"And you go out with me", Dean added, like they were at a bar instead of a hospital.

He froze. "No. No, I can't do that".

"This afternoon you didn't seem that reluctant".

Castiel fidgeted at his seat. "Yes, but, I'm a doctor, and you're..." _dying._ "...a patient. It's inappropriate".

Dean nodded, in a way that seemed to be saying 'okay, I can see what's going on here'.

"All right, suit yourself. But there's a couple of things that I'd like to do before I kick the bucket. I say at least you join me".

"Things like what?"

That smirk again. "Ever been to a strip club?"

Castiel shook his head. "You're unbelievable. I offer to help you with anything you want, and going to a strip club is your dying wish?"

"No, but it's fun. And you look like you could use some of that. And if I go down… I go down swinging".

Castiel stared at him for some time after that. "You are a very remarkable young man Dean Winchester".

"So they say".

Castiel watched him walk through the hospital doors that evening, hauling his portable oxygen tank after him. In that weird unexplainable way he already felt torn seeing him leave.

* * *

_Any kind of feedback is very much appreciated. But keep it nice, of course._


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm really sorry for being soo slow. I just started school since two weeks, and it takes a lot of getting used to. I've been tired a lot, so I couldn't focus on writing. It took me a lot of will power to write this, but I will. Go. On!_

* * *

Dean mostly got home care, so Castiel didn't see too much of him. Sometimes he had to stay in the hospital for a few nights, because he was too weak and they wanted to observe him. The hospital staff had grown pretty fond of Dean and his charm. This Wednesday as he walked through the hospital halls with his oxygen tank, he was wearing a sloppy Led Zeppelin shirt.

Suddenly Castiel had a vision of him how he must have been in his teenage years: black make-up, a ring through his nose, his green-sprayed hair in a Mohican haircut and wearing black band-shirts. It made him smile, because even though he had been the complete opposite in his own day and had never liked guys like that, Dean could get away with it in his eyes.

Dean had become sicker through the weeks, and it finally started to catch up on him. His once healthy tint had become much paler and his body strength had weakened severely. Still, that didn't stop him from walking and smirking with confidence falling out of his butt, making smart-ass remarks, and flirting with the nurses _or_with Cas.

Dean wasn't the kind of guy to let himself be stopped by his body. He still had the same cocky attitude as the first time he'd seen him here.

Now Castiel had told himself not go get too attached to him. But he would be lying if he would deny the damage had already been done. And he knew that damage already happened from the first time he talked to him.

When Dean had to stay in the hospital on weak days he found himself coming to see him at his bed for no particular reason, pretending like it was doctor's routine to talk to a patient that much, but really just wanting to talk to him.

Talking to Dean, he could always expect a heavy load of sarcastic and flirtatious remarks, but it was always refreshing to him.

His colleagues noticed his abnormal fixation on Dean, but they never said anything about it other than in a joking matter, scornfully saying 'his boyfriend' was here again. Castiel usually felt his ears getting uncomfortably hot, but said he just took a special interest in Dean because the poor young man hardly had any family.

He knew for a fact, not because he'd been checking out of obsession, both his parents had died. He did have a brother, but he'd never seen him before, and Dean never talked about him, so he took it Dean came from a difficult home situation.

This was what he really told himself, that he just was more interested in Dean because his case was so tragic. He couldn't help but feeling a little responsible for him. Only twenty-five, terminally sick, with not much family that cared for him. _Stunningly beautiful._See, it was this kind of thoughts that were the problem.

Truth was, he really liked Dean. He really, really liked him. He may seem like a slightly arrogant happy-go-lucky on the outside, but Castiel just knew there was a whole lot more to him then there met the surface. He could recognize another lonely soul when he saw one. The way he already spoke with a wise-for-his-age bitter sarcasm sometimes, the way he could sound like he'd seen every corner of the world. His eyes emitted a sort of pureness that was rarely to be found these days. There was something in them that made him want to know the person behind it more than anything.

There was no way around denying it: he admired Dean for his beauty. He wasn't blind, the nurses were all over him, even more so because he had their undying sympathy. They pampered and spoiled him like he was the hospital's favorite child.

Dean enjoyed the attention and he gladly flirted with some of the young, pretty nurses, but he always asked for Castiel. Or _Cas_, as Dean kept calling him. '_Can I talk to Cas for a sec'?_  
It gave Castiel a feeling of proudness that Dean asked for him personally and had given him a nickname. It showed everybody else in the hospital he and Dean had some kind of special bond.

Still, he couldn't help wondering if Dean had ever slept with one of the nurses. A twinge of some weird feeling he couldn't place went through him if he thought of that. There was no way that feeling could be jealousy. He had intended not to get any inappropriate feelings for him. It was unprofessional. He already felt more affection for him then he really should.

You know you like a patient more than average when you dream about him, right? That morning when he woke up, the dream was in his mind instantly. He had woken up dreaming of Dean's lips, his hot upper body under the sheets of the hospital bed. He shrugged it off. Just an idiotic dream, caused by too much work and a lack of social life.

"Hey, hot stuff", Dean greeted him as soon as he spotted Cas. He was lying in bed, still wearing his Led Zeppelin shirt, hooked to a larger oxygen tank for the occasion.

"Good to see you too, Dean". Castiel tried to use his best sarcastic voice, but his ears were still glowing from Dean calling him 'hot stuff', like always when Dean called him something similar that implied he saw him as an object of lust. Castiel wasn't used to being so obviously treated as an object of lust. By men, anyway. "Now if you could just address me with more decency…"

"Oh come on, you know you like it". That incorrigible smirk again.

Was he really blushing?

"How are you, Dean?" he asked fatherly, while sitting down next to his bed.

Dean shrugged. "So-so", he said, coughing heavily after he said it.

"Are you sure? Is there anything I can get you?"

"No I'm fine, thanks. But in case you can get me a nice sappy burger of course… ".

Cas looked at him with a frown.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Nothing, I'm just… surprised".

"By what?"

"By you". He wanted to smack himself in the face once he said it. Could he sound any more like he was coming onto him? Which he was so not.

"What about me?"

"I'm really surprised you're taking all this so well", he said carefully. "I've seen a lot of people in your situation. None of it handle it quite like you".

Dean snorted. "Believe me, I'm not dealing with it all that well. But what can you do, huh? I don't wanna spend the rest of my days drowning in self-pity".

Castiel nodded, wishing he had something useful to say.

"Tell me something, Cas", Dean said, on an intimate tone.

"How are you?"

The question made Castiel look up to meet those eyes that made him feel like he was the center of the earth.

"And don't give me that bullcrap about being fine. 'Cause I can tell you're not happy".

Again, Dean surprised him by talking to him in a way most people didn't. People here in the hospital had a lot of respect for him, and of course they asked him how he was, but it was just a way of being polite. Nobody really wanted to hear the answer. When he looked into those honest, overwhelming eyes, he had the feeling he really cared about the answer.

Before he knew it, he blurted out: "To be fair, I could be better, too".

Dean's eyes went up and down, studying him. "What's up?"

Castiel sighed and shoved a little closer to Dean. He felt the strangest urge to take his hand or strike his face. "It's just… working in this hospital every day takes a huge toll. Sometimes, when I can't save someone, like you, sometimes I wonder what I all do it for. If it's worth it".

"You know for what it's worth, lying in a hospital half of the time and having to breathe from a tank pretty much sucks too", Dean answered.

This made Castiel laugh a bit of the tension, but he felt a pang of compassion.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do something".

"Actually you can", Dean said, eyes lightening up.

"How?"

"You can go out with me", he said teasingly.

"You just never give up, do you?" He couldn't suppress the little smile.

Dean grinned. "Nope".

"Fine. I will".

Dean looked at him with a wide-eyed, surprised look on his face. "Wait what?"

"I will go out with you", Castiel slowly repeated, as if to check if that sounded weird.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously".

"All right!" Dean called out, smiling an over pleased smile. Seeing how happy this simple fact made Dean gave Cas a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. It was a long time ago he had made somebody happy by just being there for that person, rather than prescribing good medication or determining a good diagnosis.

Castiel stood up. "Very well then. My shift is until eight tomorrow".

"Right, so, tomorrow, at the entrance, eight o'clock?" Dean asked. "I'll drive you".

"Are you in good shape to drive?"

"I'm _always _in a good shape to drive my baby", Dean answered defensively. Castiel's eyebrows shut up, never having heard somebody speak of his car as a lover before.

"All right. What did you have in mind?" Castiel asked curiously.

"Oh, I have some ideas", Dean answered mysteriously.

"See you tomorrow", Castiel said.

"Eight o'clock!" Dean called after him as he walked out.

As soon as Castiel was out the door and on the hallway, he was torn between asking himself what he was doing and enjoying the excited hammering of his heart. He was just doing a good thing, right? He was just doing a patient a favor who didn't have any family caring for him, right?

Right.

* * *

_Reviews give me motivation!_


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel wouldn't easily forget the day that followed after that. It stood clearly in his memory, because it was the day that everything became different. Maybe his world had already been changing from the day he met Dean, but now was when it got officially turned upside down.

So Dean was waiting for him outside by the entrance, same place he'd seen him the first time. He was leaning against the railing nonchalantly, hands in his pocket, lips in a smirk as soon as he caught sight of Castiel. Castiel took him in. He was wearing a white/green chequered shirt, unbuttoned at the top, and a black coat. He also noticed he was leaning on one crutch on his right. This didn't surprise him, since Dean's spine was infected too, and . He decided not to say anything about it.

In every way he was still the charming guy he'd seen then, but you could see the disease had been eating away at him. Since the diagnose, Dean had been going downhill faster than they could have predicted. As Castiel followed his case with great care, he knew his lungs were functioning horribly, and getting worse every day. Without the plastic tubes in his nose providing him with oxygen, he wouldn't last long.  
For some reason he'd thought it would be awkward meeting Dean here in this context, but it felt comfortably natural. As it always felt natural to see and communicate with Dean.

Dean nodded at him with a mocking solemnity. "Evening Cas".

"Good evening, Dean", Cas replied at the same tone.

"My car's back there," Dean said with a nod at the left side of the parking lot, "so if you follow me…"

"Lead the way", Castiel said, as he made a gesture with his hands that said 'I'm fine with everything'.

Dean started walking while dragging along his tank, having to lift it up while descending the short stairs that led up to the platform in front of the entrance. Castiel could see from the way his breathing got heavier how much effort it took him.

"Do you need some help with that?" Castiel offered, assuming it wouldn't do harm to take on the role of the gentleman in this case.

"No I got it", Dean brushed it off, sounding a bit blunt as he was short on breath. Castiel was immediately worried he might have embarrassed him, after all he seemed the kind of guy that didn't want to be made look 'weak'.

"I'm sorry if I offended you", he said quickly, when they got to the ground and Dean rested with his hands on his knees to catch his breath a little.

Dean shot him a look. "Don't worry about it", he said. He took a breath a few more times and steadied himself again. "Let's go".

Now he knew Dean had an abnormal love for his car, but now that he saw the actual car he could finally understand why. A black, shiny Impala stood proudly on a spacious spot on the parking lot, making all surrounding cars pale in comparison.

Dean saw him staring at it. "Pretty sweet, huh?" he said, beaming with pride.

Castiel didn't know a great deal about cars, but he wanted to make a remark about it anyway. He wanted to be appreciated by Dean.

"Must be a real classic", he decided on saying.

"Chevy 67' ", Dean said proudly. "It's been my dad's". It was the first time Castiel had ever heard him mention his family in any context.

"You father was a man of taste", Castiel complimented him.

"Yeah, at least that's one thing he could do right", Dean muttered, sounding slightly bitter.

He unlocked the car, and held it open for Castiel. Castiel gave him a pleased look as he took place. He really had to hold himself back and pin himself in his seat from getting up to help Dean as he saw him struggle with the crutch and the oxygen tank to get in the car.

Finally in his seat, Dean stretched out -his arms on the seat almost touching Castiel, he noticed way too awarely- and he looked at Cas with what Cas had started calling his joy-eyes. It's the kind of look Dean got in his eyes whenever he foresaw fun, the mischievous sparkle when he got an idea. It's the same kind of look he had all those times he'd mentioned Cas and sex in the same sentence. Or the look when he'd thought about sex at all. For two men who were practically still strangers in the private atmosphere, Castiel had become quite good at reading Dean's face in all that time he'd been coming at the hospitable. This was mainly because Dean had a very readable face, but if he was really honest with himself, he had a face that he just loved to study. Dean was a very responsive kind of guy, reacting to every little thing happening around him, even if it was just an eyebrow lifting up slightly, or a subtle frown. It was never boring to watch him. _Tuning in to Dean TV._

"So, you eaten yet?"

"No".

"Well, you hungry?"

"I could… definitely eat something", Castiel said, rubbing his hands together, since it was quite chilly in the Impala, but at the same time feeling surprisingly comfortable.

"I know a couple of places in town where we could grab some dinner. Usually I'm more of a burger/fast food-type a guy, but you know, for the occasion. Have you ever eaten French-food?"

"You mean if I've ever been to a French restaurant?"

"Yeah, whatever".

It made Castiel smile inadvertently. "Not that I can recall so soon at the moment. I haven't been out at all lately".

Dean reached onto his dashboard, grabbed a chocolate bar and took a bite.

"I need to keep my sugar level up", he explained with his mouth half-full when he saw Castiel looking. "You want some?" He held it in Castiel's direction.

Castiel looked at it for a moment, then smiled and said "Why not". And he took the bar.

"Okay, so French it is". Dean started the engine, started driving backwards, then he drove off the parking lot and onto the road in a huge speed. They were practically flying over the highway.

"Do you always drive like this?" Castiel couldn't help but ask him.

Dean cast him a sideways glance and smirked. "Yeah. I probably shoulda warned you".

"Don't you think we should… slow it down a little?"

"Relax, Cas. We're not gonna die", Dean said while taking a sharp curve. "Not from a car crash, anyway", he added mumbling.

They arrived at this cozy little French restaurant that wasn't _too _fancy, Castiel noticed to his relief, because he figured Dean wasn't really the restaurant type. Lucky as they were, there were still some empty tables left they could choose from, and they chose this lonely table in the back. Which was probably a good thing too. Dean drew a lot of attention with his oxygen tank and crutch, but he didn't seem to care that much.

Dean frowned at the weird French names on the menu, so Castiel helped him out a little. He had always held Dean for the beer type, and he got proved right when he ordered one. Castiel decided to try one too. Dean checked out the waitress only for a brief second when she took their order, but seemed to lose his interest very soon as his eyes wandered back to Cas. Those damn eyes that, Cas always had the feeling, were practically undressing him. But he didn't mind even a little bit, and he knew it.

"So, tell me a little something about yourself", Dean said, while sipping from his beer.

"There's not much to tell", Castiel answered, making a useless hand gesture. "I grew up as an only child in a small town, I was never popular much. I went to study Medicine, and here I am".

"What about women?" Dean asked him bluntly.

Castiel stared at him.

"You know, women, girls, sex. What about it?"

Castiel felt his cheeks glowing hot immediately. One of the things he couldn't get used to with Dean, but at the same time found strangely arousing was his straightforward way of saying things.

"Uhm… there haven't been that many women in my life", he decided on saying.

"Ever had a girlfriend?"

"If you don't count grade school, no".

For some strange reason, the look in Dean's eyes was pleased. He had the joy-eyes again. Castiel noticed he was staring again.

"All right Cassanova, I say you and I are going to a strip bar. Doing it with a stripper 's one of the things high on my Bucket list anyway".

This caught Castiel's attention. "You have a Bucket list?"

Dean nodded. "Since I won't stick it out much longer, thought I might as well make one. Have you seen 'the Bucket List'?"

Castiel shook his head.

"Well, it sucked anyway. But I wanted to ask you if you wanted to join me with some of these stuff".

This struck Castiel with surprise. "You can always ask me for anything, Dean, but I'm very surprised. Why me?"

For the first time during their conversation Dean turned his eyes away, staring at the pattern in the wood of the table.

"You're sort of the closest thing to a buddy I had since, you know, I heard my body was screwed to hell". He looked up at him again. "And I guess I just don't wanna spend my last months on earth alone".

This was the first time he let a bit of his macho attitude down and Castiel understood how seldom that really was for Dean. He realized now he already cared too much for him to pretend their relationship was strictly doctor-patient. He'd been sucked into the weird magnetic effect Dean had on him from the very first second.

"I'd love to join you", he said. It wasn't a lie.

Dean nodded, taking a sip of his beer, shaking the awkwardness of the moment off, putting it back on the table with a loud _thud_.

"Good".

* * *

_You would make me very happy with a tiny little review^^_


	6. Chapter 6

_I apologize for being so agonizingly slow. Don't give up on it, I promise I will write every single chapter of this that needs to be written, it just takes time. A lot of time._ _It seems to be harder to get into the writing mood lately, but don't give up on me! Then I won't give up on you._

_Pretty pretty please leave a review._

_Thanks!_

* * *

Castiel couldn't remember when he'd last felt so comfortable with anyone. For the rest of the dinner, him and Dean talked and laughed like they were old friends. While talking to him, he almost forgot his about the fact that he was sick. He hadn't ever seen Dean this relaxed, and he hadn't ever felt this relaxed in a long time. He had a pleasantly light feeling in his head, increasing with each beer. Castiel wasn't usually that much of a beer type, but the more he drank, the less he tasted the half-watery, half-bitter taste of it. It was just fluid that he poured into his mouth.

"So that's how we split up", Dean finished his long story about the history of the band he used to be in.

Castiel had let Dean do most of the talking for the most part of the night, he was the better talker of them anyway. Besides, he loved listening to Dean. Dean had led such a wild, unruly life, he was full of stories about backstage adventures or trips that he had made. Now and then Dean had let something slip about his extensive sex life too, and it made him shove around in his seat uncomfortably. He knew Dean wasn't strictly heterosexual, but to actually hear him say he had sex with guys in his own words was different. He couldn't get the image out of his head, the image of Dean with another guy. He pictured how an anonymous guy would force Dean on his knees before him, drag his pants down, loosen his own belt, and shove his hard, sticky…

"Can I get you another beer?" Dean asked him when he didn't say anything.

Castiel snapped out of his daydream. "Yes, yes please", he mumbled quickly. He hoped Dean wouldn't see his red ears and hoped his dick would start to lower soon.

Dean put up two fingers to the bartender, signaling he wanted two beer.

"I'm really having a good time", Castiel blurted out.

Dean put up the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, me too".

Castiel wanted to say something more, something about how much he liked him, how badly he wanted to take him home.

No. He couldn't afford to have thoughts like that, he just couldn't. They would only end in pain and hurt. Dean was sick. Very sick. Any kind of desire towards him was practically fatal.

After the dinner, they paid, put on their coats, and stood outside awkwardly with their hands in their pockets. Darkness had started falling.

"So, ready to have some fun?", Dean asked when sitting in the car again.

He started the car and started driving.

"Where are we going?" Castiel asked a little surprised.

Dean shot him a smirk, and then he knew.

The strip club Dean took them was smoky and noisy. Castiel had never felt comfortable much in places like this, 'clubs' or whatever you call them. Places meant for partying. It felt like forbidden territory.

"I don't feel entirely comfortable here", Castiel mumbled to Dean from the corner of his mouth.

"Just follow my lead", Dean said with a smile.

As they walked into the club, he kept close to Dean. Their jackets brushed against each other. The music here wasn't nearly as bad as you would expect from a place like this, though. At this moment, the song 'Money for Nothing' by Dire Straits was blasting through the speakers. Dean started singing along with a slightly out of tune voice: _"We got to install microwave ovens…custom kitchen deliveries.."_

He took Cas by his sleeve and dragged him along with him into the club. In the middle of the club was a platform with scarcely dressed women dancing around poles. They had big, sometimes unnaturally big breasts, thin waists, long hair and heavily make-upped faces. He saw Dean looking at them desirously, or at least admiringly. Castiel couldn't help but feeling a tad bit of jealousy. It was the same way Dean looked at him sometimes, with that hunger in his eyes.

He looked at Cas and smiled at him, giving him a nudge in the ribs. Castiel almost fell backwards, as fragile as he was, but he smiled back convulsively. They sat down on one of the red, plush couches with a small table in front of it. They ordered some more beer.

"Isn't this place awesome?" Dean smiled.

"I suppose", Castiel answered, not sounding too convincing, because Dean gave him a hard stare and asked, seemingly out of nowhere: "Cas, are you gay?"

Castiel felt all the blood in his body rush to his face. "I, uh… I don't feel the need to pin down my sexuality", he stuttered.

"Didn't I think it", Dean mumbled, more to himself then anyone else. His eyes took him in intensely, wandering from his lips to his eyes. Then he cocked his head to the side a little, and moved a bit closer, almost unnoticable. He held still for a second, which made Castiel wonder if he imagined it, but then he moved a little closer again. He wasn't imagining it, Dean was really closing in the distance between their lips. Now he could feel his breath, his breath that smelled of stale beer, his lips that would taste the same almost reached his…

"Hey, sweetie", a nasal voice said suddenly. It was a brunette stripper, they hadn't heard her coming. "Want a lap dance?"

It was no use trying to get it back, the moment was gone. The woman started to dance in front of Dean, Dean smiling up at her. She took his hand and pulled him with her towards the platform. Dean walked up to the platform and looked up to the women's bodies. He immediately caught the attention of the stripper, she started dancing provokingly while making eye contact with Dean.

Dean moved his eyebrows up and down in a way that said 'not bad, huh?' while nodding towards the stripper.

Castiel watched the woman and tried to get turned on by it, but it simply didn't do anything for him. He had always known about his preference for men, but had never come out for it openly. He had always been very careful with it, and until this day, even his parents didn't know. Instead of looking at the stripper, he'd much rather look at Dean. He thought Dean was about a hundred times more beautiful than all of the female strippers together.

Dean's oxygen tank and his crutch drew a lot of attention, and the strippers couldn't keep his hands off him. He was a handsome young man that looked sick, and apparently that was some kind of magical formula for women to drape themselves all over him. Castiel watched as they danced for him and touched him in places he didn't like at all. Later they sat down next to him and asked them about his sickness, and they were all full of compassion.

"I'm lasting mere months", he heard Dean tell them. They all gasped for breath, and one of the girls put her hand on his knee.

Suddenly, Castiel couldn't handle it anymore. He stood up, and walked straight to the bathroom. He felt Dean's eyes on his back, and heard him mumbling: " 'cuse me ladies, I have to check up on my friend". Castiel only walked harder when he heard that. He slammed the door of the toilet behind his back, bending over the sink, looking into his own eyes. The door opened, and Dean stood there.

"What are you doing here? Don't you need to go back to your admirers?", Castiel mumbled. He was ashamed of his childish behavior, but damn it, he was drunk.

"Shut up", Dean grumbled, and walked towards him, his body language didn't show a sign of hesitation. He grabbed him by his collars, pushed him against the wall, and then and then and _then, _he pressed his lips on his and kissed him firmly. Castiel was too stricken by surprise to object, but as it happened he knew he wanted this with every fibre of his body. Dean's mouth was demanding, forcing his lips apart with his lips. Castiel kissed him back, their tongues intertwining. There, with his back against the cold tiles and under the corny light of the neon lights, Castiel felt more heavenly the he had ever felt before. His heart fluttered wildly, hammering against his chest.

Dean's fingers ran through his hair, the kiss heatening. He felt Dean grating against him, a definitely large bulge in his pants against his own through the fabric of their jeans. Dean groaned a little at the touch. Castiel pushed him off him and panted: "Dean, we can't do this".

"Why not?" Dean answered laughing softly and he started kissing him again. They kissed and grated against the toilet wall some more, getting more and more horny. Then Dean broke the kiss and mumbled: "What do you say we continue this somewhere a bit more private?"

Castiel sighed. "We really can't do this. I'm.. I'm sorry. I can't. I won't. It's inappropriate".

Dean's facial expression turned bitter. "I see", he mumbled, his hands sliding off Cas, taking a step back. "I'll be in the car, then". He turned his back on him, making his way out of the toilet, dragging his oxygen tank along. Castiel stood there for a while, closing his eyes, cursing himself. He hated himself right now. Then he took a deep breath and followed Dean outside. Dean was sitting in the car as he came out of the club. They could still hear the music vaguely.

"Dean…"

Dean held up his hand. "Yeah, yeah. Do me a favour and skip the drama, I know what the deal is. He's dying, I don't wanna get too involved, blablabla. I know I'm doomed, Cas".

"That's not what I meant"… Castiel murmured. He stared at Dean's forehead hard, as if he could read his thoughts right out of it. "I… I think I care about you".

"Bit too late for that, don't you think?"

The bitter tone of that was the first sign Dean had given off that showed unhappiness about his situation. He didn't get into it, instead he leant forward and kissed him. Now it was Dean's turn to be surprised, and he froze for a second before kissing him back. His hand cupped his face, caressing his ear while kissing him deeply. The kiss was heated and sloppy, horny and desperate, hands grabbing each other's jackets. They took a moment to pause, their foreheads leaning against each other.

"Goddamnit, Cas," Dean cursed. "You're really gonna be the death of me, you know that?"

"We really shouldn't do this", Castiel said.

Dean sighed, moved away from him and frowned. "Yeah I know". Then he started the car.


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel was having his day off, but he couldn't really enjoy it. He was sitting in the couch trying to decide what he should he do with his day, but couldn't think of anything that he felt like doing. His mind kept wandering back to Dean automatically.

It had been a week since they went out. They hadn't talked since. Castiel tried to avoid him in the hospital, because he didn't know how to handle the feeling he got when he was around him. He had always been attracted to him, he could admit that to himself now, but now that they had actually acted on those desires it was different.

Finally he decided that his bedroom could use some painting. He drove to the DIY shop and bought some white paint. It started raining when he got out of the car. Back home he'd just started to do a few bits when suddenly, the bell rang.

Castiel frowned. Nobody ever visited him, unless it were those damn Jehovah's. Curiously he walked through the hallway and opened the front door. Two green eyes stared at him. Dean. His heart started slamming out of control, like the beat to a bad remix song.

He was wearing a white-brown chequered shirt, that really looked gorgeous on him. He looked fitter then he had in days. He stood leaning against the wall nonchalantly, taking him up with his smirk. He almost looked healthy again, except for the plastic tubes blotting his perfect face. Castiel was overwhelmed by how happy he was to see him, he felt the urge to hug him and sniff his scent.

It was only now that he became aware of his awful dressing style, in an old torn jeans and his sprayed with paint white shirt. (Not white paint, it was just his general painting shirt)

"Dean", he stuttered. "You look great". He was too happy and surprised to wonder about what he was doing here on his doorstep.

Those eyes, they were almost drinking him. "You don't look so bad yourself", Dean said.

Castiel stroke a hand to his just-out-of-bed-hair. "Oh, don't look at me, I was just painting. I look awful".

"Not at all", Dean said in a soft, velvet voice, eyes wandering about his body. "Can I come in?"

"Yes, please come in", Castiel did a few steps back to make room for him. "Weren't you supposed to stay in the hospital today?" he asked.

Dean walked past him, limping slightly. "I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot".

"Dean, you didn't". He closed the door behind him.

"Relax, I'll be back by tonight", Dean shrugged it off, looking around in the hallway. "Besides, I wanted to see you". He looked at him and Castiel's heart stopped. They had one of their weird, deep stares and Castiel could only think of those beautiful lips on his.

Then he walked into the living room, and Castiel walked behind him. He felt a bit naked with Dean seeing his apartment, but as he watched him, he realized how much he missed him. The relief to see him was huge. All the awkwardness of their kiss seemed to be gone.

"Uh, please make yourself at home", Castiel said awkwardly.

Dean dropped on the couch. "Sweet place", he said. "Bit too neat, though".

"Do you want something to drink?" Castiel offered.

"Yeah you have beer?"

"As a matter of fact I do". He walked backwards into the kitchen. "Stay there", he said, as if he was afraid Dean was an illusion and he would be gone by the time he got back.

"Not going anywhere sweetheart", Dean said while putting his legs on the coffee table.

He knew it was just kiddingly, but the word _sweetheart _kept singing through his head when he walked into the kitchen and reached into the fridge.

When he got back, a feeling of happiness went through him as he saw Dean sitting there, so much at home.

"So why did you want to see me?" Castiel asked. He was afraid to hear another answer then _I just like seeing you_, maybe he was here to talk about his medical situation. But he still needed to ask.

Dean looked at him. "Because I think it's time you and I get to know each other a little better. I wanna know you".

Castiel shrugged, looking down at his beer, his cheeks glowing. "I'm not interesting, I'm boring"

"That's bull, Cas", Dean said firmly. "You know it is. Okay, let's start with what you like. Where's your movie collection?"

Castiel pointed at the drawer below his television. He was suddenly ashamed of his rather poor movie collection.

Dean looked through them like he was studying it very seriously. "Okay, you seriously need to start watching less chick movies", he laughed. "About the only cool movie here is _Titanic_."

"You like _Titanic_?" Castiel asked surprised. He hadn't expected that with a butch guy like Dean.

Dean smirked. "Dude, Winslet's rad".

Castiel nodded, as if he would know something about which women were rad and which were not. He'd always much rather _wanted_ to be Rose then being attracted to her.

"Next time, I'll bring you some _real_ movies", Dean promised. _Next time, _Castiel thought. He would love it to have Dean over more often, but he was aware of the dangerous side of it at the same time.

"I would like that", he just said.

Dean shuffled back to the couch again and plumped down on it, very close to him.

"So, you can start with gradeschool", Dean said, grabbing his beer.

"What?"

"Tell me about your life. Start with grade school".

"Uh…"

"I'll start", Dean said. And he started talking. He told him about family. His brother Sam that he loved but had lost contact with, their troubled youth, their eccentric father, their mother that had died in a fire at an early age. Castiel just listened and watched him as he spoke. He particularly loved it as Dean spoke about his brother. Something in his eyes and voice softened as he talked about him.

"You love your brother", Castiel said. It wasn't a question.

Dean fell silent for a bit, then he said: "Yeah I do".

"Why don't you two talk anymore?"

"We just kinda…. grew apart". He gestured with his beer bottle in his hands as he spoke. "He went to college. I became a full time band member with the Rockets. He was always the one with the brains. Me… I never felt like I was much good for anything, so I just kinda lived on the edge".

"You're good for a lot of things, Dean", Castiel said softly. Didn't he know how precious he was? He suddenly really felt the need to touch him, put his hand on his or touch his cheek.

"Thanks, Cas". Dean gave him a half smile. "Now tell me something about you".

And Castiel told about himself. He even told him what he never told anyone before, that he liked men. He studied Dean's facial expression when he said that, but he didn't move a muscle. He realized how nice it was to have someone in his house, someone to keep him company, to talk to him, to make jokes with him. He had been alone for way too long. It was like there was a tune in his heart playing constantly.

As they talked, the rain outside kept falling, but the sun threw a beautiful light into the living room. Castiel felt himself being in a better mood then he could remember. When he was cold, Dean even wrapped an arm around him. It felt so good to be near his warm, strong body, he didn't want the afternoon to end.

They ended up ordering pizza and it was around ten when Dean announced he should leave. Reluctantly Castiel walked him out. When Dean stood in the doorway again, he sighed heavily.

"Cas…" he began. "I'm just gonna do this once, and then I'll never do it again, okay? Just this once".

And he pulled him towards him at his collar and kissed him. It was a warm pressing of lips first, turning into a desperate kiss. They both got completely caught up in it. Dean's hands wandered over his back, his own hands went up to go through Dean's hair. When they stopped, he turned around and walked away, leaving Castiel to stand there with tingling lips. He went inside, sat on the couch and thought for a good long while. His mind was a bit slow because of all the alcohol. Finally he went to bed.

Hours later, he woke up, and his mind was clear. Who was he kidding? He just let him walk away like an idiot. This shitting himself needed to stop. He knew what to do.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean could go home for the morning after that. He had to stay in the hospital sometimes to be checked upon and to let new medicines be tried on him, to see how he was responding to that and see if they could stretch out his life as long as was possible. But he realized he was also being used as a sort of laboratory animal to help future patients with his disease. He didn't mind that. He gladly sacrificed part of his already worthless life to help those who still had a chance.

Six months, is what they gave him now. A simple sum. It sounded so factual, so calculative, that it was weird to realize that his life was put in those two simple notions. It was October now, and lately he had to say he had been feeling pretty good. He felt more energetic this morning, just like he had been yesterday. He got out of bed more energetically, dressed more energetically, and felt a hell of an appetite. All of these were good things, he told himself. There was nothing healthier than a craving for hamburgers, if you asked him. It sure was a lot healthier than the crap they presented as food the hospital. So that was good, right? _Always looking on the Brightside, aren't you?_

Okay, so first thing he was gonna do when he was out of this graveyard, was getting a hamburger.

When he'd looked into the mirror this morning he'd seen a more healthy colour on his cheeks then he'd seen on himself for a long time. He almost didn't notice the plastic tubes anymore. Also, he needed a shave. He started shaving himself with a great deal of concentration and tried not to let his thoughts wander any further then the hamburger that was waiting for him. Thinking too much never was a good thing, Dean had learned. Dean preferred to go with what his gut said. But right now his gut told him to think about the thing his thoughts were going too. _Okay, that is not confusing at all. _Did this disease turn him into some kind of sap? You know, because he had to think about death and stuff like that.

Okay, he might as well go there. Maybe the colour on his cheeks had something to do with the fact that he had a better fucking time with Cas yesterday then he'd had in a long time. Not even since he heard he was sick, just in a long time.

Cas…

He had tried not to think about what happened between them, not to think about the kisses, tried not to think about the fact that the doctor was often on his mind when he was jerking off.  
But it kept shoving back into his memory. He couldn't quite suppress all the stuff he felt when he was around the doctor. He wouldn't deny it, if he saw that stunning blue eyes staring at him with that innocent look, and that sexed-up hair, his dick was far from unaffected by that, but that wasn't the reason he was so taken with the doctor.

He could still ascribe the first two kisses to their drunkenness, that he wasn't thinking clearly because he'd been plastered. By the way, Cas had kissed _him_ the second time. But yesterday he'd kissed him again. A very sober, and very _not_-not-thinking-clearly kiss.

Okay, so here was a fact. He knew he'd wanted to fuck him from the first moment he saw him. Because aside from listening to his gut, he was also a man that listened to his dick. But there was more that drew him to the guy then just his dick. When he approached Cas that day, he hadn't been just looking for a good screw. He'd talked to him because the man had interested him. As something to figure out, a challenge._ And _a good screw. He thought this whole mysterious thing Cas had about him to be very hot. And yeah he thought he was the most gorgeous member of the male sex he'd ever seen and all that. Sure he'd had sex with men before, God knew he didn't shun a little 'going around the backdoor', but Cas… damn.

But in all seriousness. The more he talked to Cas, the more he felt drawn to him. It seemed like he couldn't keep away from him. He'd shown up on his doorstep yesterday with his hair all done and one of his best shirts on, and told him _I wanna know you_. Seriously? How was any of this not screaming 'GAY!' with a huge neon sign on his forehead?

Also, he'd told Cas about Sammy. That was something he hadn't even said a word about to his old band mates. He simply didn't feel the need to get all touchy feely about his family issues to them. He wouldn't know how. They were buddies, but up to a certain point. You just didn't go there with them.

But with Cas… everything was different. Everything was different about Cas. He wasn't the typa guy to be all buddy-buddy with, Cas was much too serious and awkward for that. But somehow, Dean was totally okay with that. He liked him just the way he was.

And with Cas, he'd felt comfortable to talk about his brother.

The last time he'd seen his brother, they hadn't exactly parted on good terms. They had had a fight about lots of stupid things that had happened in the past. Admitted, Dean had been kind of a dick to him at some moments. Because they were so different, they had always led completely different lives. Dean was the cool guy, the chick magnet in High school, Sam was the silent nerd, and they didn't hang out together at school. He wished he could go back and be right there with him. But after all that had happened between them, he felt ashamed to tell him sorry. And how was he supposed to tell him about this?

_"Hey Sam, I know we haven't talked in years, but I only have six months to live, please feel sorry for me?"_

He sat down on the bed for a while, frowning. Then he put on some clothes, which was always a bitch because of the plastic tubes of his oxygen tank getting in the way.

He walked over to the room where Cas was usually sitting, working on diagnoses. Cas was sitting at his desk, frowning deeply at a pile of paper.

Dean coughed a little at first. When Cas didn't look up, he knocked on the open door. "Does the Doctor have a little moment for me?" He said _doctor _in a slightly mocking way, like he always did, just to tease him.

"Dean", Castiel muttered. "I always have a moment for you. Come in. I was just about to look for you".

"You were?" Dean said a little too eager.

"Yes. I was wondering…" Cas looked at his shoes and seemed to hesitate. "I have the evening off. I'd love it if you came over and had dinner with me".

_Don't smile like an idiot, _Dean thought in an attempt of keeping his jaw muscles somewhat under control. He wanted to see him, he wanted to have him over. A warm feeling filled him up from the inside.

"Anytime", Dean said.

"I was hoping you'd say that", Cas said. "Maybe we can watch some 'real movies'?"

Dean chuckled. "It's a date". A red shade flushed Cas's cheeks.

Cas walked with him through the hallway where they said goodbye. Dean wasn't sure whether to give him a hug or not, but he hesitated for too long.

"I'll see you tonight", Castiel said.

"Wait, what time do you get off?"

"Be there around eight".

"All right, see you then hot stuff". Dean put his hand on his shoulder and gave it a little squeeze before walking outside through the large entrance doors.

That afternoon he drove his Impala in front of Cas's apartment at exactly 20:00.

"Hello Dean", Cas said when he opened the door, sounding slightly out of breath, his blue eyes big .

He was wearing a very elegant blue shirt and his hair looked even more sexed-up than usual, and for some reason all that made Dean's heart stop for a fraction of a second. His mouth dropped and he stared shamelessly. It surprised him there wasn't any drool flowing from his mouth and spilling over his shoes. He felt the itching urge to push him against the wall and kiss him. And then… oh, the things he would do to him.

"Is something wrong?" Cas looked down at himself to see why Dean was staring.

Dean couldn't help but chuckle. "No, no. I just think you look…"

"Overdressed?" Cas made a helpless gesture with his arms.

"Awesome. You look absolutely… awesome".

He was cursing at himself on the inside for using a word like _awesome _to describe the stunning way Cas looked. But what else was he supposed to say?

But Cas seemed to be happy with the compliment. A little smile formed around his mouth and lit up in his eyes, so subtle that it was barely noticeable. Cas's smiles were very rare. Dean liked that kind of clarity. Whenever Cas smiled, you knew it was real. The guy wasn't fake, he was pure.

Dean held up a DVD of _The Usual Suspects._"I brought movies".

They turned on the movie and sat on the couch, but had more attention for each other than the movie. Dean was stuffing his cheeks full with popcorn.

"Dean, you are officially a pig", Cas said, shaking his head, but smiling.

"I awm nowt", Dean said with his mouth full, smiling too. He swallowed. "I eat with taste", he declared proudly.

"You're hopeless", Cas joked.

"Ah, you love me for it", Dean grinned, grabbing another handful.

"Here, check it out". He put the popcorn in his mouth, grabbed his beer, took a huge swing, gurgled loudly and washed away all the popcorn with it. From the corner of his eye he watched Cas to see if it made him laugh, and well, at least he was smiling with teeth. If it made Cas smile, the disgusting taste of it had been worth it. It was great to see Cas loosen up a little.

Not one minute of the evening went by in which he didn't want to kiss those lips, -he sure looked at them a lot- but he didn't. Cas had said they shouldn't do this. He felt his eyelids get heavier and heavier. He started giving himself a more comfortable position on the couch. His head touched Cas's shoulder and he looked up at him to see if he was okay with it.

"You can go to sleep Dean, I don't mind", Cas said softly. "You don't have to go home".

Best invitation Dean had heard in ages. Exhausted he leaned his head against his chest and made himself comfortable.

"All right, but you'll have to deal with my pig snoring then", he mumbled. He nuzzled closer into his chest.

He'd almost dozed off when he felt Cas's arm wrap around him. Then he felt his slightly shaking hand strike softly and slowly through his hair. The sound of the TV formed a nice soothing mix with the sound of Cas's heartbeat. He was sure Cas must've thought he was asleep when he felt two warm lips pressing against his forehead. Very briefly, very light, but they were there. He smiled against Cas's chest. Now he could really sleep.

* * *

_Things are gonna be okay with Sam, don't worry. Please review and stick with me!_


	9. Chapter 9

_I want to thank each of you who reviewed, you guys make my day._

_Casismyfavorite: I'm so happy to hear that, because that was exactly what I was feeling when I wrote it and what feeling I wanted to bring across._

* * *

The next morning, when the light outside was still a bit pink, Castiel noticed the warm mass of Dean's body he had been feeling against him all night was missing.

"Cas", he heard his voice. It sounded hoarse and a bit strange. "_Cas_", he repeated, shaking his arm. He opened his eyes and Dean was standing in front of him, looking pale.

"Cas, I don't feel so good", he brought out.

Castiel jumped up immediately. "What's wrong?"

"I coughed up blood", Dean said. "I don't know what the hell, but it can't be good. It can't be good, right?" Castiel could clearly see the panic in his eyes. He took him by the shoulders. "Okay, okay, sit down. Sit down".

He guarded a very shaky Dean down to the couch. He was trembling, his lips quivered and he had his eyes closed. Castiel leant over him and took his face in his hands. He really just wanted to kiss him.

"Dean, look at me". Dean opened his eyes and looked him in the eye. "Everything's going to be fine", he spoke soothingly. "You're going to be fine. I'm going to take you to the hospital. I'm staying with you until I make sure you're okay, you understand?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah". The he smiled shakily. "Yessir Doc".

Even know, he managed to provoke a little smile from him. "Good". Then he leant forward and kissed him on the forehead, like he did last night, but more firmly this time. He let his index finger strike softly over his cheek when letting go of his face, then made sure he hurried. He ran to the hallway, grabbed Dean's jacket and his own, then hurried to the kitchen and got the first vat he could find in case there was more blood coming.

He helped Dean up the couch and in less than a minute they were in the car. It was a 20-minute drive, and Dean coughed up a lot more blood on the way, but every time Cas asked him worriedly if he was still okay, Dean just said "great" and smiled bravely.

Castiel watched him with a mix of compassion and affection. It really stung Castiel to see him like this, and at the same time he felt a huge admiration for how brave he was. It was also a strange but effective moment to realize in a shock how much his feelings for the young man had grown over the short amount of time that had passed. He could fully accept what he had really known all this time: as Dean sat next to him coughing up blood, he realized that he was in fact, had been from the start, terribly in love with him. He prayed silently. _If he's going to make it, if he gets through this, I'll never hesitate to let him know how I feel about him again. God, if you let him be okay, I'll give him everything._

In the hospital he had to assign him to a group of other doctors and nurses, but as he had promised him he didn't stray from his side until he saw he was at least stable. They put him in a separate room on intensive care and they gave him something to stop the blood from coming up. After a while they decided his situation was stable, but they wanted to keep him for the night.

He stayed with him longer then he had to, missing an hour of work, but he didn't care. Nobody from the staff told him to get to work, they seemed to instinctively feel his relationship with Dean was something _more_, although they didn't know exactly how much more. But they figured that Dean was important to him. Castiel spent the morning sitting next to him, talking to him, making jokes with him. He could see how much it did for when he was reassured he was fine he told him he had to go to work but would be back very soon.

As usual, Dean was in the back of his mind all day, but the desire to be with him was stronger than ever. He had known for a while how he felt about the young man, but ever since today, he saw things in a different light. He realized he didn't want to waste time trying not to act on those feelings anymore. They didn't know how long Dean had. They had told him half a year, but it might as well be a few months shorter or longer. It all depended on how much they could slow the disease down. But the point was, there was never enough time in the world, for nothing. It floated away. With Dean, it was no different. He didn't want to waste any more time. He wanted to be with Dean.

That evening he lingered around longer than usual, pretending he had was really busy. Then, when the hospital was silent and dark and everyone except a few night shift nurses were still up, and he made sure no one would spot him, he made his way to the room where Dean was lying.

Slowly he opened the door. Dean was still awake, as he had hoped. He was lying on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his torso low so that it revealed he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Cas?" he said astonished, smiling. "Dude, it's like 2 AM. What are you doing here?"

Castiel didn't know what to say, so he just showed him. He went up to him, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Then he took his face in his hands, leaned into him and kissed him. Dean responded with great enthusiasm immediately. It was tender, explorative, as if they wanted to try out each other's mouths. The only sounds in the silence were their soft kissing sounds and breaths. Dean looked up at him with even wider eyes.

"I thought you said we shouldn't do this".

"I changed my mind".

Dean's eyebrows shot straight up, his mouth pulling in a smirk. "I can live with that", he said before kissing Castiel again. Their kiss was more hungry now, the hesitation was thrown overboard. They leaned in at the same time.

Castiel shrugged off his coat and climbed in the bed. While kissing Dean started to unbutton the buttons of his shirt one by one. Castiel let his hand roam all over his bare torso.

"Oof", Dean groaned, holding him off for a moment. "Cas, I'm warning you… I'm not responsible for the consequences when you're sitting on top of me like that". He pointed down to his boxer that couldn't quite reveal his huge boner. Castiel didn't care anything anymore. He had never wanted Dean more than now. And that said a lot, because he always wanted him a lot.

"I don't care", he said. "I want this".

Dean didn't need any further encouragement. He flopped them over so Cas was on top, his body hovering over him dominantly, his boxer-covered boner poking hard against his leg.  
He smiled down at him. Not a smirk, Castiel recognized a genuine smile on Dean's face. He had the joy-eyes again, the sparkle and even little beginnings of what would grow out to be gorgeous wrinkles if he would grow old. He started kissing him, or maybe 'attacking with his lips' was a better word, because it was so passionate. _Oh God, this is really happening,_ it went through Castiel's mind. _Dean is lying on top of me half-naked and it is happening._

Dean kissed down his neck and made approving groaning noises that, if Castiel didn't already have a boner by a long shot, would give him one spontaneously. Dean's fingers traveled down and started to fidget at his pants, and Castiel helped him by zipping his pants open and wriggling himself out of it. Dean started attacking him with kisses again. His lips were very demanding, yet at the same time soft. Castiel let his fingers wander over his back, that felt smooth under his fingertips. He let them go up and down, as if they were traveling over Dean's body. He loved touching Dean in every way. Dean moaned and interrupted the kiss .

He smiled and reached down to give him a series of small kisses all around his face. He kissed down all the way from his temple to his neck to his ear. "I want you so, so bad", he breathed in his ear.

They wriggled out of their boxes impatiently. Castiel could hardly see Dean's penis in the dark, but he could sure feel it, writhing against his leg.

"Have you ever had sex with a man before?" Dean's voice was low and hoarse.

"No", Castiel admitted.

"It's gonna hurt".

"I know".

"A lot".

"Dean, please. I can take it".

They spoke in short, breathy terms, both trying to keep their voices down, but it was hard in the midst of their excitement.

"You gotta trust me", Dean said.

"I trust you".

Dean kissed him long and deep. Then he sat up, taking his legs and opening them up, kissing up his thighs. He searched for his opening with his fingers. When he found it, he wetted his fingers in his mouth, and put them in, as if to try him out. Castiel waited breathless for what would come. Castiel felt his hard penis poking against his hole. He cringed at the touch.

He couldn't in any way have prepared for the excruciating pain he felt when Dean pushed into him, but his horniness was far bigger than any sense of pain.

Dean leant over him. "Wow Cas, you're so tight", he murmured in his neck.

Dean pushed on until he felt he could go no further. It was the strangest sensation to feel him so deep inside him, and he vaguely realized this was the closest he would ever be to Dean.

Dean started to move, his penis grating harshly inside of him. Cas laid back with his eyes closed, trying not to scream and completely surrendering to Dean. Then he felt Dean's his sweaty stomach on his, his arms around him and his lips demanding his mouth, kissing him fiercely.

"Hold on to me", Dean whispered.

Cas immediately wrapped his arms tightly around his neck and held on to him for dear life while Dean started to pound into him. Gently for a while, and the feeling of Dean moving inside of him started to feel really pleasant. Dean kissed him and his thrusts became harder, needier, more desperate. He fucked him like he wanted to be even deeper inside of him and he buried his face in his neck as if wanted to be as close to him as possible. Cas started to move with Dean's body, bucking up his hips as if he wanted that too. At this pace he didn't feel the pain anymore, it started to feel more delicious with every thrust.

He felt Dean hitting a spot that sent a tingling jolt of pleasure through his abdomen. Dean pounded faster and Castiel hold onto him tighter and he hadn't ever felt such ecstasy. It was raging through his whole body, along with the adrenaline that was streaming through him. Dean knew right where to hit him, and he hit it with force, again and again.

Dean moaned loudly in sheer pleasure when a stream of warm fluid shot right into him and filled him up. Castiel only realized he had come when he felt the sticky stuff drip down his penis, making both of their stomachs wet.

Dean collapsed on top of him. His breath was out of control and his whole body was shaking.

"You're exhausted", Castiel mumbled, kissing him on his head. They lied like that for a while, Dean in his arms, quietly enjoying being so close to each other.

"Tell me what you're thinking", Dean said, wrapping his arms around him and studying his face.

"I was thinking about you", Castiel answered honestly.

"Hmm, go on".

"I was thinking about how I want to take you home with me tomorrow".

"I like where that's going", Dean smiled, giving him a kiss. Then he became serious again. "Hey Cas".

"Yes?"

"Whatever made you change your mind? You know, about me".

Castiel stroke his neck lightly. "I… I wanted you from the first moment I saw you".

"Geez, aren't you the hard-to-get little tease then". But he smiled, and kissed him again.

"Dean, I have to go. I'm taking a huge risk by being here".

Dean nodded, but reluctantly. "Yeah, sure. I understand. I'll see you tomorrow then".

"Sure thing". Castiel kissed him.

He left the hospital quietly.


	10. Chapter 10

_Another one! It's a bit of a filler chapter this time, after this one I'll go into the plot again. As I promised one of you: I promise I'll give a warning when it's going to go downhill. But it's not for a while. For now, they still have some time left together. Please review._

* * *

Today was a very good day. Better than most days he'd been having lately. Not only because it was a Saturday, and Saturdays were better than most days by definition. This was an even better one. And he knew why, as he was driving to the hospital. It was because he would see Dean. Thoughts of the young man had kept him up all night. Feelings of utter bliss rushed through him when he thought about last night, about Dean.

It was, surprisingly, a day without rain. It had been a very unstable autumn, weather-like, with switches between sun and rain, sometimes even at the same time. Today, there was only the sun, in that distant way the sun was always here in autumn and winter, giving all the brown autumn colours of the trees and the leaves a golden brown shade, and the cold, winterish air. It was the kind of weather Castiel liked best. Autumn was an underrated season, he'd always thought.

And just as he walked through the entrance, there he was.

"Heya Cas", Dean breathed, smiling. It wasn't his usual smirk, but the smile that came with the joy-eyes.

"Dean", Cas said warmly. It was always a relieve to see him alive and well.

The two men stood facing each other for a while, taking each other in, obviously deciding on what to do with the pull they both felt.

Then Castiel took the collars of his jacket in his hands, pulled him close and kissed him softly. Just like that, in the middle of the hospital. Dean froze in surprise for a fraction of a second, then visibly relaxed in his arms and melted into his kiss. Hesitative he wrapped his arms around him and slid his hands up on his back. The girl behind the counter, Anna, and all the other people in the hall were staring in surprise, Castiel could feel their gazes on them, and he knew Dean felt it too as they looked into each other's eyes.

Castiel stroke his collars, took in every inch of his face and mumbled:  
"How are you feeling today?"

"Now you're here and everybody's staring at us like we're circus monkeys?" Dean asked. "Great".

Dean never failed to make him smile even if they were only together for just a few seconds.

"Yes, we are quite in the center off the attention at the moment".

"Let's give them something to look at, then," Dean said, before leaning in and kissing him, his hand cupping the back of his face, his thumb lightly striking his cheek. He did this in such a tender way it almost made Castiel feel as if he was something breakable. Castiel completely melted under the touch of his lips. He loved how other people could see how intimate they were, how this remarkably beautiful young man was devoted to _him_, not some pretty girl, but him. Especially for the girls.

"Hmm", Dean murmured as he kissed him, then stopped.

"Let's get out of here", Castiel suggested.

"I'm all for".

They both looked at the counter girl who was still staring at them with a gaping mouth. Castiel knew her as one of the many girls in the hospital that had done fruitless attempts to get his attention, which he chose to ignore, because… well, because he was as gay as a window, even though it took him this long to finally make peace with that part of himself.

Dean looked around with pretended surprise. "What, you never saw two hot guys making out before?"

Castiel poked him in his side with his elbow. "Dean", he mumbled warningly.

"Don't worry, I got this", Dean assured him. He opened his mouth and was about to address the counter girl, but Castiel quickly spoke before him, before Dean could make some snarky remark.

"Anna, I'm sure you know Dean. He's with me", he explained.

Anna nodded. "I see. Excuse my staring, I just didn't know you were…" It seemed as if she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

Dean didn't have the patience for any of this chitchat. "Well, we are", he said, wrapping an arm around Castiel, obviously marking his territory, giving her a provocative stare. "If you excuse us, me and Cas are going", he said.

As they exited, Dean gave him an irresistible ear-to-ear smile. Castiel knew he shouldn't approve of Dean's rather rude behavior, but he couldn't help but smile back.

"You… are such an arrogant little prick", he said fake angry, not quite succeeding in suppressing his smile.

"I know", Dean laughed.  
As they stood by the car, Castiel helped him getting in by lifting his portable tank, and Dean didn't object.

"I named it", he said as Castiel drove towards the exit.

"You named what?"

He nodded at the oxygen tank. "My tank. I called it 'Jefferson Starship'. Because it's horrible, and hard to kill". He laughed at his own joke.

Shaking his head, Castiel said: "You and your morbid sense of humor". Dean laughed some more, then looked at Castiel's face. "Oh come on, it's a little funny".

Castiel just reached over to him and kissed him. They kissed long and extendedly, until the honking of a car made them realize they were blocking the entrance of the parking lot and they reluctantly let go of each other.

As soon as they got inside and closed the door behind them, Castiel pinned Dean against the door and kissed him easily. He surprised himself with how easy he surrendered to his desire now, the desire he had been trying to fight for the past months. Dean's lips were so soft and addicting, his tongue so warm and delicious in his mouth. He took his face in his hands, caressing his ears with his fingers.

"Couch", murmured Dean, in between all the kissing. Castiel nodded shortly, before pressing his lips on his and continued to kiss again. They started walking backwards into the living room, kissing non-stop. Castiel pulled impatiently at Dean's jacket, and managed to take it off, dropping it on the floor carelessly. Neither of them looked after it. Then they finally reached the couch, which went a bit clumsily because of the Jefferson Starhip. They pretty much fell down on it, Dean throwing himself over him.

They kissed, and kissed, endless kissing, and undressed, and then kissed some more. Dean groaning, which Castiel found to be very arousing. Everything he felt, everything he thought, was Dean.

When he pulled out his shirt it got stuck in the plastic tubes lubes, but they just laughed at it. He just kissed him, and Castiel could feel in his kiss that he longed for him just as desperately as he did for him. He didn't need to say it.

If there was one important thing he'd learned about Dean, it was that he wasn't so good with talking about feelings. But he spoke a language that Castiel didn't speak: the language of his body, the language of sex, of desire. Right now, Dean's body language spoke volumes.  
Dean climbed on top of him, caressing his body with his mouth.

"Cas, weird question, but do you have some Vaseline in the house?" Dean panted.

He didn't need to ask why he asked. His heart started beating like a crazy person when he thought of Dean inside him. He nodded, and said: "Let me go get it", giving him a quick kiss before leaving upstairs. With big steps he ran up the stairs, to the bathroom, not knowing how quickly he had to get downstairs again. He returned with a vat of Vaseline, where Dean was waiting for him.

The vision of Dean lying stark-naked and wide spread on the couch, with his arms above his head, knocked his breath away for a brief second. He hadn't so much _seen_as felt Dean's body in the dark of the hospital room yesterday, so he couldn't help but stare and take in all six feet of beautiful nakedness. Dean knew he was being admired and he obviously enjoyed it, wiggling his eyebrows in a mocking-sexy way.

"These do kind of ruin it don't they?" Dean pointed at the plastic lubes hooked into his nose.

Castiel crawled on the couch and started his chest, shaking his head. "You're beautiful".

Things went pretty quickly after that.

Dean turned him around, and Castiel spread up for him completely. Dean took the Vaseline, smeared his hands, pushed his butt-cheeks aside and rubbed him in carefully. Then he felt the pressure, and he shoved in. The Vaseline made him feel all slick inside of him and he slid in and out flexibly.

As tough as he seemed to be, Dean was a gentlemen in bed. He asked: "Are you okay?" at least twice, and the second time Castiel had squealed "Yes, harder please". It seemed as if Dean thought: _ok, now you're gonna get it_, because he held him down and started pounding into him hard. And Castiel _enjoyed_ it. He held up himself to meet Dean's thrusts.  
It was as if he was trying to make him feel how much he needed him. He made him feel in the desperate urgency of his thrusts, in the way he planted kisses on his back and in his neck, in the desperate way in which he moaned his name into his ear.

Dean cried out his name one last time as he came and rested his forehead on Cas's shoulder . "You don't know how much I needed that", he said in a low, out of breath voice.

He slid out of him and Castiel turned around, and he had a sweaty Dean in his arms. Cuddling close to his chest, Dean smiled shakily. Castiel had the feeling his heart would burst from the overwhelming affection he felt at that moment.

They rested in each other's arms, all sticky and sweaty and covered in semen, but he didn't care. He kissed gave him three tender kisses on his temple.

"I freakin' love you, you know that?" Dean said smiling, while leaning over him to kiss him softly. He kissed down to his neck, going "hmmm".

"I'm telling you, if I had a long life ahead of me, I'd never let you go".

"Dean", Castiel said sadly, taking his face in his hands. "Please don't mention that".

Dean studied him long and hard. "Okay", he said finally. "I'm sorry, I won't". He reached down and gave him a soft and tender kiss. Before they knew it, they were caught up in each other again.


	11. Chapter 11

When Dean was little, his mom always used to tell him that angels were watching over him before he went to sleep. As a six year old boy, he believed her. Being an extremely curious child, he asked her questions.

"Mom, are angels real?"

She sat down on the edge of his bed. "Of course they are, sweetie. And you have your own little angel on your shoulder that will always protect you".

"But what if it dies?" She caressed him lovingly over his forehead.

"Angels don't die. They're not human".

Dean frowned. "If people die, can they become angels?"

"No, but I believe they go to another place".

"What place?"

"They go to some place beyond the sky."

"Like a spaceman?"

She smiled, touched by her child's inventive way of relating to things. "Exactly like a spaceman. Now, go to sleep." She kissed him on the forehead and stood up, walking towards the door.

"Mom? If you ever die will you become a spaceman too?"

She stopped in the doorway and turned around.

"Of course. I'll look down on you from aaalll the way up there", she pointed towards the sky out of the window, "and I'll always watch over you".

"Who loves you more than anything?"

"You".

"Exactly. Good night sweetheart".

"Night mom". She stood up and smiled to him one last time before flicking off the light.

As he lay in the dark alone he wasn't afraid anymore. Not of the monsters he sometimes imagined to be there, the shadows in the corner behind his closet that were only the trees in the garden, but he also wasn't afraid anymore of what truly terrified him most: death. But of course, his mom had to die and everything changed. His dad wasn't the same anymore after the night of the accident. He started drinking. Often he came home late at night and he was too drunk to even look after his children.

Dean stayed awake all night with his ears wide open. He had to be ready, ready to jump out of bed any moment, if he would come to Sam's room. Then he heard him come in, and then he prayed he wouldn't come upstairs. Because that thing his father turned into when he was drunk wasn't his dad. He called it the Monster. He would let the Monster come to him if that meant he would leave Sam alone. He didn't touch him, or at least not in any abusive way. His dad was the sentimental type of drunk. Hugging him, saying he was so sorry he was such a bad father, blubbering into his neck. Dean hated it.

All of a sudden, Dean was the one who had to reassure Sam before he went to sleep, tell him about the angels, say the words his mom used to say to him, but he didn't believe them anymore. He was only trying to shield Sam from the hard truth he himself already had learned the hard way. People died, and there was nothing you could do about it. Even if they went somewhere else, Dean didn't feel it.

By the time he became a teenager, Dean had lost all boundaries. No one had ever learned him to take care of himself, so he just… didn't. He dived into life headfirst, drinking and having sex, with girls and men. He'd been fucked for the first time on the age of twenty, by a businessman in his late thirties. He'd been hanging drunk and alone at the bar, and the guy had been watching him for a while. Eventually he had come up to him and asked him if he would like to go home with him. Dean had tried to look offended, but his cheeks glowed hot.

Dean had let himself being taken into a taxi, feel his hands all over him and receive his wet, drunken kisses. He'd let himself being bend over by the man he didn't even know the name of, and fucked so hard he was afraid the guy would go straight go through him. He would never forget the pain of that first time, and he could still hear him panting in his ear, and groaning: 'You like that, don't you?'. Dean had kept his jaws tight shut and didn't answer. He had just let his body go limp and endure the hard pounding. In the morning he'd stumbled home almost limping, having so much pain it felt he was split in two.

His sexual behavior had become unbounded after that. He had met the man twice more, but next to him he had sexual partner after sexual partner. He was addicted to it. It was like he desperately tried to seek intimacy by seeking physical intimacy, but at the end of the day he always felt more alone.

This was the period when him and Sam had started to grow apart. Sam could never understand his behavior. Sam had always been a lot more stable, not only emotionally, but also in his life. He got good grades at school, and went to Stanford when he was 21. Dean had finished High School with huge difficulty, and after that never even thought about studying. He got with the band, the Rocket Baby Dolls, which he started up with one of his classmates, and this only got him into the wild life more.

Their lifestyles had become so different they didn't know each other anymore. Sam didn't need his big brother anymore to tell him about angels that were watching over him. He had a girlfriend he could share his hopes and fears with now. Dean only had casual affairs, usually girls, but he never felt in any way truly connected to them.

He didn't even remember at which point they had lost touch. It had grown that way gradually, their phone conversations had become shorter and shorter. It really hurt him, every time he hung up. He wished he could explain his brother, he just didn't really understand what there was to explain, let alone how.

Now, he was lying here next to Cas. Cas, the shy doctor that hadn't quite known how to express his feelings he had for Dean, that hadn't known how to respond to Dean's advances. The guy that made him feel all fuzzy and soft on the inside every time he saw him. The guy that shone a light on his life in more ways than one. That made him happier than he could ever tell him. He watched him as he slept, the sunlight peeking through the curtains and warming Cas's face and the uncovered part of Dean's back.

Cas's face was so relaxed and innocent, even with the way the sloppy way he looked now. His hair was a mess, his chin was covered with little black stubbles, but he was more beautiful than any man or woman he'd ever seen. He was so innocent. This was part of what Dean had always liked about him. The fact that he was so immaculate, so pure, so much the opposite of what Dean was.

Slowly he went through his hair, playing with it, letting it slide through his fingers. He did this for a while, enjoying to watch his lover. His lover? Yes, even in their circumstances, he felt that nobody had ever been more his lover then Cas. Then he reached forward and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Cas shifted.

An idea bubbled to his mind. He was gonna make him breakfast. Cas would like that. He sat up, swung his legs over the edge of the bed and took some time to gain strength. He reorganized the tubes of his oxygen tank that had shifted in his sleep. He breathed heavily, trying to squeeze some air through his fluid-filled lungs. His lungs had to be drained at the hospital today. Breathing was getting more difficult.

Even though they could temporarily drain his lungs, the damn fluid would always keep coming back. He had learned to live with the daily struggle with his half-destroyed body, but dying of suffocation seemed like one of the nastiest ways to die to him.

It took him all his strength to get down the stairs, which he descended in just his boxer and his socks. In the kitchen he rummaged around in the drawers and the fridge and found a frying pan and some eggs. When he had broken the eggs and spreading them through he pan, whistling, he felt two arms around him and two soft lips in his neck.

"Damn it Cas, you almost gave me a heart attack", he said, but he had that feeling in his stomach as if someone was pouring sugar in it.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked softly.

"Good", Dean could say up to all honesty. It was true. He hadn't felt so good in years. He had a gorgeous man that adored him and that he was… dare he think it? In love with. He grinned. "Really good".

Castiel kissed all the way up to his ear, his stubbles tickling his skin.

"Someone hasn't shaved", Dean smiled.

"Do you like it?"

Dean smiled. "Actually, I think it's really hot". He turned his face to Cas, put his hand in his neck and kissed him fully. He invaded Cas's mouth with his tongue, intertwining with Cas's tongue, playing with each other. _If I don't watch it I'm gonna die super early of a sugar overload_, Dean thought to himself, and he smiled faintly during the kissing.

They both sighed with their noses against each other. "Get out, you're distracting me", Dean murmured. "I'm making this super awesome breakfast for you".

"Okay, I'll leave you to it", Cas said. He kissed him one last time. Dean gave him a little squeeze in his ass as he turned around to leave the kitchen.

"Oh, and Dean". Castiel stuck his head around the corner. "I'll pick you up at the hospital today. I have a surprise for you".

"A surprise?" Dean said, eyebrows shooting up. "Really?"

"You will see", were Castiel's last words before he disappeared into the living room. "Oh you tease", Dean murmured as he poked into the eggs with his spatula.


	12. Note

My dearest readers,

I just thought I'd write you a little message to apologize for the fact I haven't been uploading this story in so long. It has been on hold for a while since I haven't really been in the mood for it, with school and other things on my mind. But I promise I will continue as soon as I can. Don't give up on it, I know how the rest of this story will go and I _will _finish it.

In the meantime, read my Sherlock fic. ;)

Yours sincerely,  
D.


End file.
